wake up new

There’s that thing people say, if you told me a year ago that this is what my life would look like today, I would never have believed you. I was thinking that this morning as I shook out the rugs, swept the floor and loaded up the dishwasher–things I have been doing the same way in the same house for five years now. This house has been a constant in my life, but the way I live in it has changed so much it sometimes feels almost unrecognizable.

Almost.

A year ago, I was getting ready to sell this house, to change my life. And I did change my life, not in the way that I had originally planned, but in a way that was good for me, was the best for me. I couldn’t have told you last March where I would be today, but I’m not surprised. Things feel so good lately it is sometimes hard to believe I’m allowed to be this happy. Each day I wake up to this different life and it feels new. It really feels new every single day. It has that fresh feeling of novelty, of possibility. But, at the same time it doesn’t feel unfamiliar. It is sort of like this part of my life was sitting here all along, just waiting for me to be ready for it.

New can be scary. Change can be scary. And, I’m not the best at navigating without a map, but I’m working on it. My life has changed, so there is no reason for me to stay the same. Old habits, old hang-up–these are things it is possible to let go of. It is possible to overhaul your life. It is possible to teach yourself to think differently. I put a quote up on here once last summer: “every day you wake up with your life at stake.” I’d like to rephrase that now. I was so full of anxiety, pain, and fear when that statement made sense to me that maybe my life was at stake then. But now I see it a little differently. Now every day I wake up knowing that I have this power over my life, that it really is what I choose for it to be. It is what I make it, which isn’t a revolutionary idea. People say it all the time, but I’ve managed to prove it to myself. Happy isn’t something someone else makes you, it isn’t something that circumstances produce, it is something that is under your control. I know that, I’ve always know that, but now I believe it a little bit more.

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