Life gets so messy sometimes and the hurdles, obstacles, crazy disasters that complicate everything seem to pile up on one and other, nagging little children happily waiting for me to go insane. Where’s my hideout? There was a time – um college – when I could just take a free day, stay in bed looking out the window, ignoring my email, I didn’t even have a cell phone then, not worrying about classes because I never had a problem getting it done later, and no one needed anything from me. Is it childish to want that back? I wouldn’t ever say that life was simpler then. I had no idea who I was and was paralyzed by almost any decision, but I only had to worry about me. I am going to make a terrible mother someday because I cannot even hold up my end of a relationship, my hands get tired, I need a break, need a shower, a snack, need a day to pretend I am the only person in the world who really exists.
I hate consequences. Is there somewhere I can buy a free pass to not have to face certain things I have said or done? Can such a pass cover a whole day? A week? Can I just buy the weekend back and try again?
I guess it is healthy to live through my own self-created chaos. I’ll come out smarter on the other end. Or maybe I won’t. After all, I haven’t changed much so far. Maybe there is a tipping point. If I make a down-payment, can I have mine on credit?